'i'm afraid i'll give myself an eating disorder'

The Question

Hi Swole Woman,

Long-time subscriber and intermediate lifter here. I started trying stronglifts 5x5 pre-COVID in a vastly under-equipped work gym thanks to your column, dropped off during COVID, and started following LIFTOFF once I had access to a slightly less underequipped gym. What drew me to lifting was that I'm fat, I had been working really hard to accept that about myself, and I appreciated that being big and eating felt like a GOOD thing.

But earlier this year I started feeling...weight loss curious. I had made it all the way to age 29 in a body perceived to be a woman's without ever counting calories and I was proud of that. And like I said, I thought I accepted my body for what it was; most of the time I even liked how I looked. But I was dealing with some minor medical issues that could be alleviated by weight loss, and sometimes the body image issues would just...hit me.

So I read Renaissance Woman, read up on the Liftcord, downloaded Macrofactor, tracked my calories for the first time ever for several weeks, and then did a cut. I expected to be miserable. I felt great. I only exceeded my calorie goals a few times and never felt the need to do an actual cheat day. My weight went down a LOT more quickly than projected. My lifts were still going up. Some of those minor medical issues immediately improved.

I ended the cut after 10 weeks and went back to maintenance, and honestly I've felt pretty awful. It's been nice to eat out or get a sweet treat without having to plan my whole day around it. But my digestive system is acting up and I've had to eat much less nutritionally-dense food to hit my calorie goals. I accidentally started cutting again because I just didn't WANT to eat like I used to anymore, then had to overcorrect. Now I'm getting to the end of my 10-week maintenance period and I'm downright eager to start cutting again.

But I don't WANT to be excited for this. I never used to be the person who tracked my calories or agonized over what would fit into my meal plan. I'm happy about the weight loss but unsure how to express that happiness to people who don't share my values--like, do I REALLY want to participate in lunchroom diet talk?

I don't know, I guess what I'm asking is - how can I tell the difference between disordered eating and just...being happy with the weight I lost on purpose?

Thanks,

Still fat and trying to be happy about it

The Answer